I started an Instant Message chat with Joanne, one of my team chiefs, about a woman in her team to whom she had to deliver bad news. Louise was a poor fit for her job with us--she was smart, articulate, ambitious, and well-educated, but she didn’t have the patience or the interest to do her job well. She was within a very few months of being fired if she didn't find another job position, and one that we all thought was a "slam dunk" for her fell through when the HR people in that office became concerned about her poor performance appraisals. Jennifer had to call her at home to break the news because Louise was stuck on jury duty."How did Louise take the news?" I typed.
Joanne replied, "after chatting with you yesterday, I decided to tell her tonight, so she has one more day of blissful ignorance and gives me one more day to figure out how to deliver the news. And before you ask, this phone call will be less stressful for me than calling Julie Smith."
Julie had worked in my office before my time there but now was employed by a company we contracted with. Now in her 60s she was notorious for behaving aggressively with her colleagues, especially by criticizing more junior employees in front of others in a manner that showed she was unaware of their feelings. Or maybe unaware that she was in fact, criticizing them--most of her contemporaries argued that she meant no harm, she was just being Julie.
J0anne was not the only one who avoided talking to her, but I was struck by the fact that she would rather tell an employee that she was a stone's throw from unemployment than talk to Julie on a non-controversial administrative issue.
I responded, "Oh, Joanne, you are such an only child!"
"Ok, now why does that make me an only child?"
"Because only children expect their relations with adults to go well because they know their parents so well and have fewer conflicts with them than children with siblings. So when a relationship with an adult does not go well, it causes the only child discomfort, fear, and confusion, resulting in a reticence to reengage with the offending individual."
"Wow," she typed, "who needs therapy when you have an informed boss."
"Ha! I don't know if it's 'informed' since I made it up. But as an only child myself, I've given a fair amount of thought and study to 'child issues.'"
"Hmm, well . . . I’ll have to think about these things . . . I hate 'competing' for people's attention . . . I’m sure that's another only child thing."
"Yes, it is. You expect attention, so why should you have to compete for it?"
"We should all deserve it. I see nothing wrong with that."
"But busy people naturally get lost in the mix of the multiple things that 'deserve' attention, and the reflexive thing is to respond to the easiest thing to attend to or to the 'squeaking wheel.'"
"Fascinating."
I continued. "The only child is also more likely to take criticism personally and to heart than the individual with siblings. Someone who has siblings knows that criticism can come unfairly or be misdirected, because they realize that the parent never really knows 'who done it' or why the misbehavior has occurred in the first place."
"Fascinating."
"You’re humoring me."
"Nope . . . Getting introspective, tho . . . not very good at taking criticism that I find unfair . . . Also been told by almost every manager I have ever had that I 'don't suffer fools gladly.' I've never really been sure why I should."
Dr. Jane had the answer: "Somebody with siblings—who is experienced at being told 'go to your room and sit and think about what you did' when in fact it was the younger brother who did the dirty work, knows that shit happens—lets the criticism roll of his back, and knows that just because the parents think he's done something wrong doesn't mean that he's lost their love—plus, in families with more than one kid, these types of events occur a lot, so criticism or blame (frequently misdirected) becomes routine. Not for the only child, though, who has fewer people to run into conflict with in the home and who has had the opportunity to know very well what pleases and displeases his parents."
Switching topics slightly, I continued the assessment. "On the suffer fools gladly issue, again, the isolated environment of the only child's upbringing means that he avoids having assholes in the home—siblings who are jerks or siblings who have friends who are jerks. The only child doesn’t have the opportunity to develop tolerances for these fools as a child, so when exposed to them later in life, the reaction is visceral distaste and avoidance."
"Really, fascinating. Clearly, my parents should have adopted a sibling for me."
I responded with a heartfelt "Mine too! So sad. My husband thinks I like his sister and two brothers better than he does." I had yearned for a brother or sister ever since I could remember.
"It's all coming together . . . I was all about dorm living too . . . Lots of people around to talk with."
"Yeah, I enjoyed that as well. Although I was not excited about having a roommate."
"Me neither. Did better when I had a roommate who was less available."
"Yeah, I barely crossed paths with mine."
"Had a big blowout with one of mine . . . She had a boyfriend, and was very upset with me that I wouldn't lie to her mother about where she was on Sunday mornings at 8 a.m. I just let the phone ring, which meant her mom called all day long. She wanted me to answer and tell her mom she was at church."
"Ha! That's pathetic! Assuming she had siblings, what she was asking you to do was what she'd expect her brother or sister to do--conspire together to avoid blame. Misdirected blame from the parents legitimizes conspiracies by siblings to deceive parents in order to avoid blame or to cover up misdeeds altogether. The thing that she neglected to consider (in addition to the fact that you're an only child), was that there was no potential for reciprocal benefit from you that would have been present if she had been dealing with a sibling."
"Well, whatever the rationale, I wasn't lying to her mom for her. Figured I was doing her a favor by not answering the phone! You've given a lot of thought to this only-child phenom."
"I think it's the single most important 'environmental' factor that shapes my reactions in the work place and probably every place else. And I think it's true for most other only children."
"Mmmmm . . . My folks really should have adopted."
"Yeah, mine too. Or had another. As a result, I feel I was abused . . ."
"Just bearing the brunt of all the expectations . . . "
Posts
